5 reasons why children misbehave

Most parents’ biggest headache is dealing with misbehaving children, and often frustrations escalate as parents shout and punish yet see little improvement on the frequency or severity of mood tantrums. Peer influence, exposure to cartoons and video games can play a factor but may be difficult to avoid in the digital age, but underlying are other less spoken about reasons as to why children misbehave. Understanding the roots of misbehaviour and reframing our response will help lessen your exasperation and pave a better way to helping them make good choices.

So what do we need to know about misbehaviour?

1. Children’s brains are partially developed.

Many of us forget that children are not miniature adults, but little people who are still developing, and won’t fully mature until the age of 25. In fact, the prefrontal cortex, which supports rational thinking, is the last part of the brain to develop. This explains why kids cannot understand reasoning, delayed gratification, and have so little ability to control their emotions. A parent’s job is not to drill logic into their kids’ brain, but to provide social structure by rewarding good choices, redirecting poor choices, and demonstrating other people’s reactions to poor behaviour. Guiding them with reward charts, providing alternative suggestions, and giving no reaction to unreasonable tantrums will help them gradually learn how to conduct themselves in this social world based on feedback.

2. They find emotions overwhelming.

Before their rational part of their brains reaches maturity, emotions are like crashing waves that come and go, and kids react chaotically without proper guidance. They can get overexcited when they are happy and go very low when they’re sad or disappointed. Emotions get stored in the bodies as pent up energy. Like a dog who does zoomies to wind down, kids who feel agitated can feel better and focus after a long play or run. Children with pent up energy in their bodies need a release, and that’s through regular play, exercise, getting creative, solving puzzles, interacting with others. Once they’re ‘tired out’, they are much calmer and present.

3. They’re tired and want a break from a busy schedule.

Many kids today are overstimulated with little time to unwind. When kids have used up excess energy and feel regulated, they just need downtime and rest. Kids often have hectic schedules after long days at school, and can start acting up out of frustration for the number of things they’re being told to do, when their bodies need them to rest. While school attendance is mandatory, it’s helpful to stay flexible about extracurricular activities and account for days where your kid just needs to wind down.

4. Getting attention is their way of feeling safe.

Babies and children are vulnerable beings, and their biggest fear is being neglected by their caretaker. This is a primal instinct built into their systems to help them survive. Although this need is difficult to comprehend in today’s world where many kids are well taken care of, this survival instinct does not go away until they are older and more independent. This is why children interrupt you when you are speaking with friends or act up when you are on the phone. If they cannot get positive attention from you, they will get it by misbehaving, as that is better than no attention at all. Communicating firm boundaries and scheduling quality time daily helps children get undivided attention, while gradually understanding that you need your own space too.

5. They want to show independence.

Children often put adults on a pedestal and see them as big people who can do and get whatever they want. At this point, they hardly understand the many responsibilities adults carry, and only focus on the fact that kids are told what to do and have little freedom. Kids are eager to enjoy freedom and respect, and want to earn it by demonstrating independence through new skills and sharing opinions. Acknowledging kids who try new things and complete tasks independently with a ‘thank you’ helps build confidence, and allowing kids to make decisions within what is acceptable helps them feel respected and make more positive choices.

The takeaway

This is our way of explaining why kids are ‘just being kids’ when they act up or behave poorly. Sometimes, it’s also because they’re tired or stressed. When dealing with kids whose brains haven’t yet fully matured, a parent’s best bet is providing consistent guidance around behaviour and steering them towards good choices through positive feedback, not just trying to shout or scare kids into stopping, or bribing them with toys. The key is to create a social dynamic at home that mirrors to them what is acceptable (with rewards) and unacceptable behaviour (with consequences). Both parents must be onboard. This way, they are incentivised to make good choices to earn positive feedback, and resort less to poor choices.

We hope you found this helpful! If you need support, we offer 1:1 parent support sessions to help you relieve the stresses of parenting long term. Simply get in touch with us and we’ll find a time!