3 Limiting Beliefs Most Parents Carry

Up to two thirds of parents are burnt out, especially after the pandemic. With the growing awareness of mindfulness, parents are starting to understand the signs of burnout and how to manage it. Parents get lots of advice around how to deal with extended periods of stress - make time for self care, get enough sleep, and find better ways to communicate with the family. However, most parents actually feel guilty about taking better care of themselves. Why? This is a result of the limiting beliefs they carry, beliefs stemming from childhood and what society has taught us about caregiving, manifesting in us as adults. Parents then project these beliefs onto our children, who may repeat the cycle and burn themselves out through these expectations as they grow.

Let’s explore the most common beliefs that keep parents perpetually burnt out.

What limiting beliefs do most parents carry?

1. I need to be a superhero who gets everything done and done perfectly.

Parents try to do everything they did before they had kids, while also raising kids to thrive in a competitive environment. With limited time and energy, it’s unrealistic to get everything done and done perfectly. We hold on to these beliefs because our parents and society may have instilled these in us, ‘life is hard’ and they just ‘got on with it’, and it doesn’t help that social media praises superhero parents who seem to do it all with grace (how do they have time to share all those posts?!). What they don’t necessarily talk about are the breakdowns in relationships between partners, how it affects your health and how resentment can build up towards children when you just give and give from an empty tank. When you show that giving your best effort is enough each day, your kids will learn that effort and intention are more important than a perfect outcome.

2. I need to be perfectly composed in front of my kids at all times.

A lot of parents hide difficult emotions from their kids, it’s understandable that they want to shield kids from difficulty. Our parents tended to keep their emotions private and rarely shared their thoughts and struggles, and rarely found proper ways to manage these feelings, with the idea that their children wouldn’t absorb any of the emotions or conflicts at home if they didn’t talk about it. This is far from the truth - children are perceptive and sponge up their surroundings, very acutely aware of what’s going on.

It’s important to have an honest relationship with the kids, where the relationship is a safe container for all emotions. This is not to say you need to break down in front of your kids after a bad day, but it’s helpful for your kids to see you as a human who finds helpful ways to cope with challenges. For example, you may tell them that you had a tough day at work, and you need 30 minutes to go for a walk, and that you’ll come back when you feel better. Kids learn ways to manage overwhelm and big emotions from YOU. By modelling coping strategies, they come to understand there are other ways of calming down that help them, and will come to use those more often than tantrums and meltdowns.

3. I need to be available for my kids 24/7, or whenever I’m with them.

This one really fuels guilt for many working parents, especially after coming home from a long day. You didn’t see your kids all day and you want to give every spare minute to them. However, you’re exhausted and haven’t had time to process the day or unwind, and any crying or misbehaviour sets you off. We are taught to always put children first - this is how we show unconditional love to them. What we need to distinguish here is whether a physically present but emotionally drained parent, or a parent who has less time but is fully and emotionally engaged when present, is more beneficial for their kids. Children get to spend quality time with the second version rather than the first, and their bond will be stronger even though there is less time spent together. It’s more helpful to spend an extra hour each day exercising or catching up with a friend, and hence in a better mental state when you get home. Kids learn healthy boundaries from their parents, so when you set them in a fair and reasonable way, it helps them navigate better relationships with others as they grow.

The takeaway

There is an expectation to do and have it all - but in reality that isn’t realistic, rarely do people display the downsides of their superhero ambitions. Take the good from what your parents and culture taught, and leave old notions behind. We cannot change what others choose to do. It’s important to remind yourself that you have limited time and energy because you have a lot on your plate, not because you’re not a capable human being. The key is to change your benchmarks of what being a good parent is, and adjusting your schedule to reflect the new beliefs. Remember that your best is what you can give each day, it’s okay to be open and constructive about your emotions at home, and you can take time out for yourself regularly as you’ll be a better person for it, for you and your family.

If you are severely burnt out and need support, we offer 1:1 parent support sessions to help you relieve the long term stresses of trying to juggle everything as a parent. Simply get in touch with us and we’ll find a time to chat.